Horse Laughs

Equine-Assisted Economic Recovery

MEMO

TO: President Barack Obama

FROM: Ange Finn

RE: Economic Recovery Stimulus Ideas

Mr. President, it has come to my attention that you're having some challenges with the economy. If I understand things correctly, we're in a recession, consumer confidence and spending is down, credit is tight, investors are spooked, we need renewable energy, and health care costs are through the roof. Trillions of dollars, not to mention our future, are at stake. Mr. President, I'm just a regular citizen, but I think I have a solution.

Give every American a horse.

My proposal may not make sense to you at first, but let me give you a little background. First of all, horses in the US are a multi-billion dollar industry, and that's just at my house. I suggest you have your economic advisors do a little research on the spending around horse ownership. You'd be surprised, Mr. President.

Start by visiting the tack and clothing retailers like State Line or Dover. Look at the variety of goods available there. Now take into account that every horse owner, especially if it's a woman, is buying not just one or two, but tons of these items. Believe me.

So my thinking is that if you give every American a horse, starting when they reach the horse-receptive age of 10, you're going to do two things: boost consumer confidence, and boost spending. Immediately. Horses make us feel good, and once Americans all own horses (at the government's expense, of course), they will all logically fall into the pattern that every horse owner succumbs to: accessorizing. For starters, we need horse-care implements like buckets and muck rakes, hoof picks and curry combs. And we need at least basic tack, halter, leadline, saddle, saddle pad, bridle and bit. But then the fun begins.

Zebra print leg wraps. Neon bright fly masks. An assortment of sheets and blankets for all seasons; you've got your cooler, your lightweight blanket, your medium blanket, your heavy blanket. Then there's your stable sheet and your pasture sheet. Also your hoodie, and tail wrap items.

And that's just the clothing for the horse. Don't get me started on the clothing for the rider, even if she doesn't show. Since most Americans don't have a basic riding wardrobe, the stores would be swamped for jeans, boots, breeches, t-shirts, dozens of pairs of cute boot socks, and the ubiquitous ball cap. Tell the retailers to get ready. It'll be Christmas all year long.

Now let's talk about support industries. In addition to the usual vet and farrier expenditures, people also give their horses chiropractic, massage and acupuncture, not to mention buying more beauty products for their horses than they do for themselves. All those professions and industries will benefit. And of course there will be a big spike in hay and grain demand, so the farmers will be happy too.

You see, that's the secret to jump-starting consumer spending through my stimulus package. People will spend money on their horses when they won't spend money on anything else.

But, your advisors might say, there's a catch. Aren't we paying the price, in global warming, of the large number of livestock animals we currently have? They produce all that methane!

Ah, Mr. President, here's the real beauty of this idea. When you introduce the Methane-Assisted Natural Unrefined Renewable Energy plan (M.A.N.U.R.E.), you'll be a hero for coming up with an alternative, renewable, home-grown source of clean energy. Just challenge the energy gurus to come up with a methane gas collection system that can harness all the "natural resource" produced by all those horses to power our cities. Talk about shovel ready-projects: M.A.N.U.R.E. fits the bill!

And you keep stressing how we need new industries for investment; well, under the M.A.N.U.R.E. plan you can sell Petroleum Offset Opportunity units to investors. By buying these units, investors can help us gradually convert from a petroleum-based economy to one based on horse P.O.O.

Health care costs will go down, too, as everyone cares for their horses. You can give tax credits based on the amount of time people spend working, riding and hanging out with their horses, which will automatically make them healthier. (Don't tell the docs, but most horse owners already get their own basic healthcare from their vet.)

One more thing: everyone is annoyed by these corporate CEOs and their big bonuses in a down economy. So give the executives, say, one horse for every $100,000 of bonus money they've received. Those bonuses will be plowed back into the economy in no time.

Finally, because you, Mrs. O, and the girls are such role models, you can encourage us all by getting a pony for Sasha and Malia. It will teach them responsibility, help the First Lady plow the garden, and as a bonus: free fertilizer for the Rose Garden.

If you don't believe me that horse ownership stimulates spending, go ahead, Mr. President. Buy that pony for your girls. You'll see.

My First Horse Show

It's been about three years since I showed in my first horse show. The scars are almost healed, and I can talk about it now.

Here's how the madness started. After years of watching Daughter ride, I decided (once she'd gone to college) that this riding and showing thing was something I'd like to try. Our wonderful trainer found me an equally wonderful palomino half-Arabian gelding. He claims this is a horse both Daughter and I can show.

The Yellow Horse is a wonder, indeed. I decided to have my debut on him at our local breed Christmas show. This show’s long been a favorite of ours where we visit with lots of friends, but Daughter can’t come home to see me debut this weekend. Just as well, I think; I’d probably get nervous if she watched. She called me before my class, wished me good luck, and gave me some last minute pointers.

Home is just a bit inland from the Texas Gulf Coast, so we use the term winter loosely here. Still, everything is relative, and when our Texas blue northers blow in, the temperature drop can be a little startling. From past experience I know that our local Christmas show is an almost infallible predictor of the arrival of Texas winter on the Gulf.

And this weekend was no different. As Trainer pointed out, it wasn’t so much the temperature as the 50 degree drop that got to us all.

Anyway, there we were, me new to showing, the horse new to all of us, and the weather gone goofy on us. The Yellow Horse is kind of a mellow guy, which is fortunate. But he was, after all, a horse, at a horse show, in cold weather.

So I should not have been surprised when I mounted up in the practice pen, and he was a little look-y, and I got rattled and took the wrong turn out of the gate and started down the row of vendors and Trainer yelled at me and I jerked my cold, curious, confused horse into the correct passageway and got more rattled and The Yellow Horse began to do a perfect, if somewhat nervous, shoulder-in down the path toward the in-gate area. Did I mention he’s not a dressage horse? Did I mention I’ve never ridden a fresh, nervous horse at a horse show in chilly weather?

Not an auspicious beginning for my first Western Pleasure class. But once I got through the gate we relaxed because we both kinda knew what to do at that point. Ok, he knew. So we jogged, and they called for the lope, and I went through my mental checklist and struck a lope and loped around the far end of the arena and back down to the in-gate end thinking, hey, this ain’t so bad.

Now, here are words you never want to hear from your trainer as you pass him at the rail on the opposite end of the arena from where you first began your lope: “Now you’re on the right lead!” It was said in an encouraging tone of voice, but still. I don’t know much, but I know that’s not good. We finished the class and places were called and sure ‘nuff, I was fourth. Out of four. Some judges are just so picky about leads! I wish they’d give you a chance to plead your case in these situations. I would have told him, “Sir, I was not on the wrong lead. I was just going the wrong direction.”

Back at the stalls, I bemoaned the fact that I was going to have to tell Daughter about my boo-boo. And everyone said, Your secret’s safe with us! Just don’t mention it.

So I called Daughter, and heaved a big sigh, and said, Well, the first one’s over with. And she said… “Need a little help with your leads?” Darn text messaging! Darn horse show friends! She had a spy on the rail. That’s when I realized…we’ve reversed roles. She’s now the show mom, and I’m the junior rider. And like any good mom, she has eyes in the back of her head. I’ll never be able to make a move at a show without her finding out.

But hey, look on the bright side: she’ll make some kid a very good horse show mom one day!